Fava Beans and Treatments: Long Lost Cousins?

By PJ McIlvaine

It has come to my attention that treatments, synops, one-notes, whatever you choose to call them, have come back into vogue, like bangs and maxi dresses. This is a subject I have a very strong opinion about, like religion, politics and Ted Levine.

Let me be blunt: I HATE TREATMENTS. And I hate them for one very simple reason: way too often it’s used (and misused) as an excuse not to read the script.

I’m not talking about a treatment or outline you do before writing the actual script. That’s fine. No quibble with that. Personally, I feel if you’re going to take the time to write a lengthy treatment, you might as well take the plunge and write the damn thing. But whatever floats your boat. Ain’t gonna hassle with you. You guys can stop reading now and go watch THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS.

No, I’m referring to a situation where you pitch a project in a logline, and the response is, “let me read the treatment first and if I like what I read, I’ll request the script.”

Humbug. Pure and simple.

A treatment is like a book report: it’s supposed to condense your masterpiece into easily digestible bits. It’s pablum. You’re supposed to hit the highs and lows, the beats, and write it in such a way to make it more appealing. But pabulum is pabulum. It’s tasteless baby food. I don’t eat baby food. Therefore, I detest treatments. I spit them out like beets.

We want them to read the script. We don’t want them to read a treatment. A treatment is just an easy way to say no. Why should we make it easier for them to say no? It’s like when people were beheaded in King Henry VIII’s court. The custom was for the condemned to pay their executioner for the privilege of chopping their heads off. Think about it. Your last moments on Earth and you have to grease the palm of the guy who’s about to decapitate you. No harm, no foul! Here, take some coin to relieve your conscience, if you have one. They called it consideration. I call it ghastly. I don’t want to pay someone to behead me.

It used to be that I rarely---very rarely---ever got asked for a treatment on a script I’ve already written. On ideas I’m trying to pitch without having a completed script, yes. That my puny little brain can assimilate. But lately, more often than I care to admit, I’m being asked for these damn treatments and I don’t understand it. Quite frankly, they’re a pain in the butt, but I do it when requested because I’m a nice lady and I’m accommodating. Plus, I can’t bring myself to do what some of my pals do: ignore the treatment request and simply send the stinking script.
Terry Rossio in his superb column on treatments (www.wordplayer.com) raises some excellent points, all of which I agree with. Most of the time you write the damn things, and they mean absolutely nothing. Yet we agonize over them. We waste time, energy and brain cells that could be spent doing better things…like writing scripts. But why should we write scripts if all they want are frigging treatments?!?

So I write the treatment, I send it off…and then they argue with the treatment. Yeah, you heard me. One page, two at the max, and they question my story. I had one exec say to me, “I don’t know if emus are funny.” Well, you know what, lady? Read the darn script and find out!
I HATE TREATMENTS.

I’d say more about how much I abhor treatments, but I checked my e-mail, and I just got a request…for another treatment.

Anyone in the mood for fava beans?

*The views expressed here do not necessarily represent the views of The Wave-inatrix and um...PJ has been sedated and is resting comfortably.

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