The Assistant Files

Industry assistants expect other industry assistants to Get It: speak the lingo; use the shorthand; know the players, the protocol, how to treat each other, and the secret handshake.

It's mostly stuff you pick up in your first two weeks on the job. But every once in a while you run into someone who's either completely oblivious, or who's just a jerk and doesn't believe in the "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" method that most of us live by.

WARNING: ANDY-RANT AHEAD. When you're an assistant to a talent agent, one of the things you do is set up BAZILLIONS of appointments for your clients to be seen by casting directors. You deal with the casting assistant, who may or may not actually be an unpaid intern, depending on how big the production and/or casting person is. Fifteen of our clients had appointments to see one casting director yesterday afternoon. Several different roles on one project and a few clients up for each role, you see. That's a lot of appointments to keep straight. And someone just got fired off another desk for screwing up one client's appointment, so I was taking no chances -- I confirmed the appointments a day early AND the morning of. Not uncommon practice for a good assistant.

And yet yesterday I came back from lunch to hear voice messages from clients saying things like, "Hey Andy-- I'm standing outside the room and there's no one here. Am I in the right place?" You get one message like that, you think, "Okay, smartypants. Did you print out the email I sent you with exact turn-by-turn instructions on where to go, or are you going off 'vibes' again?" You get two messages like that, you think, "Ugh, ACTORS. Do I have to come pick you up and deliver you to the audition myself? Do I look like Elisabeth Shue? Don't f*** with the babysitter!" However, when you get SEVERAL messages like that, you immediately think, "I AM SO FIRED."

But this is all in a day's work for Andy Sachs, Super Assistant, so I spring into action. Call the casting assistant at the number I'd reached him earlier. No answer. Why isn't anyone answering?! I have lines blinking, people. Pick up your phone! Again and again, still no answer. All the while, I'm emailing him, hoping he's in front of his computer and not running around, assisting with the casting session.

Finally I get a ping back. "Oh, sorry! We changed the location." WTF? "We decided we were too diva for that room. Ha ha." HA HA?! This is funny to you? I now look like a jerk in front of no less than FIFTEEN of our clients, their respective managers, my boss, and anyone else who doesn't hear the end of the story where it turns out it's not my mistake and you're just a jerk. THANKS, dude.

Anyway, my point here is that it's never all about you. (Unless you're A-list, then the rules are different. But I don't think there's ever been a casting assistant on the A-list. I could be wrong.) The industry is a collaborative effort. Not just during the development process or once you get into production, but in the course of everyday business. There are a lot of moving parts that keep this town running. We all rely on each other. So don't be a jerk.

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The Assistant Files

In the last Assistant File we talked about interpreting the code phrases used in industry assistant-wanted ads. In this one I'm going to give you some tips on acing the interview process.

You see, I - like many assistants who've worked in the industry for any length of time - have functioned as a one-Andy HR department, and have hired my own replacement, simply presenting two final pre-approved options for The Boss to choose between.

(Or, to be honest, to fuss and moan about, because most bosses, even though they are theoretically aware that you are not going to stick around and answer their phone for years and years, simply cannot believe that you are leaving them. Some of them actually use phrases along the lines of "I can't believe that you're leaving me!" or "I thought better of you, I really did!" or "A good assistant would never have done this.")

All this boils down to the fact that many long-time assistants have done a lot more interviewing than you might expect from people who are glorified helper monkeys. And here, for what it's worth, are my takeaways:

*DO have an email address that is some version of firstname.lastname@gmail.com. Do NOT have an email address like NUMBER1PHIL@AOL.COM or AWESOMEASSISTANT4U@HOTMAIL.COM or SEXXYSEXXYSUE@YMAIL.COM.

*DO have your contact info immediately accessible in your cover letter. Do NOT include email addresses that will bounce back or phone numbers of cell phones that are disconnected for lack of payment. When I call to chat with you about your resume, if this isn't a good time, say so. I'm going to be asking you probing questions about past insane jobs you've had, so if you're at work and can't talk, don't be stilted and weird, ask if you can call me back over lunch.

*DO dress up a little bit. If you're a boy, nobody is going to make fun of you for wearing a suit and tie. If you're a girl, wear something your conservative aunt would approve of. No open toes, no cleavage. This isn't a date. Do NOT wear jeans. Come on. Entertainment is mostly a pretty casual environment (barring agencies. Agencies are like Mad Men.) but the understanding for job interviews is that you show up at your most formal, not like you just got back from Senor Frog's.

*DO explain in your cover letter why you want this particular job, particularly if you're trying to break in. Do NOT say stuff like "I'm just trying to get my first job in entertainment. I'll take anything. But I'm really looking to jump ship to talent management." Industry jobs get insane numbers of resumes, so if your background isn't something I can grasp at a glance - say, if your work experience is all in real estate and you're applying to be a development assistant - you can't expect that you're going to get a call unless you have a terrific pitch for why I ought to consider you over the dozens of people with exact-match backgrounds.

*DO lie. (A little.) Tell me you're detail-oriented, terrific with difficult people, organized like a mofo, willing to go the extra mile, work-obsessed, happy to commit for two years: As an assistant, I know full well that those little white lies really boil down to "I will work hard and give this a for-real shot." Which is really all one can expect. Do NOT lie in real ways that I can spot. Like if you say that you work at Company X but really you got fired from that desk six months ago and I know people there. And do NOT be too honest. Don't say things like "How much overtime can I count on, moneywise?" or "I take a tango class on Tuesdays so I'd need to leave early every week, I hope that's not a problem," in the actual interview. This is Hollywood. Everyone's pretending they don't need the money and love the job so much they'd work for free.

*DO, if it's relevant to the position (the ad said something about "personalities" or "thick skin," or the outgoing assistant uses code phrases like "Boss expects excellence") mention any past work experience with a "demanding" boss. Do NOT badmouth said boss. There's a fine line between letting me know that you worked for a crazy bitch and handled it fine because you're a rock star, and actually calling your old boss a crazy bitch.

*DO be polite and attentive during the interview. I know a monkey could do this job, you know a monkey could do this job. You still need to pretend to be thoughtful and impressed when I'm telling you about the long hours and the stress and the lack of getting to go to the bathroom. I just want you to know what you're getting into so I don't foist a lemon off on Boss. Do NOT blow past me with stories about how you had a sooooo much more stressful job than this. That's not going to impress me, it's going to make me think that you're a jerk.

*DO follow up after the interview. A thank-you note or email is not just polite, it helps me remember who you were. And feel free to call or email about a week later if you haven't heard back. Do NOT call me twice a day, every day, because you thought you were such a terrific fit. I know I said that interviewing isn't like dating...but really, it is. If I want to see you again, I'll call you. In the meantime, be cool. You don't need the money, remember?

If you follow the above tips, you may not get the job - this is after all a ridiculously competitive industry - but you at least stand a shot of being taken seriously and having your resume go in the keeper file, instead of having me make fun of you in an Assistant File later.

xxo,

Andy Sachs

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The Assistant Files

It's a new year and a lot of folks are in the market for new jobs, myself included.

Looking for an assistant gig in the entertainment industry can be absurdly difficult. Often you have to know someone just to get your resume in the door. You endure multiple rounds of interviews, usually starting with the outgoing assistant, who will give you the stinkeye and declare that you've never worked a desk as intense or busy or important as THIS one. It's enough to make a girl want to scream, "Listen, people. I know how to answer the phone. IT'S NOT BRAIN SURGERY."

Because there is such hot competition for even the most entry-level positions, sometimes we lose sight of whether a given job is one that we'd WANT. And with job postings so full of industry catchphrases, sometimes it's hard to tell just what the job entails. So I've compiled a list of common job posting language for your reference. Interpretations are based on my own experience and may differ for individual users.

*****************

Andy's Guide to Understanding Hollywood Assistant Job Postings:

Typical assistant duties: Rolling calls, scheduling meetings, reading minds.

Thick-skinned: You will be yelled at a lot and blamed for things that could in no way possibly be your fault. Crying is not allowed.

Long hours: Say goodbye to your non-industry friends, your pet, and sleep.

Organizational skills: You'll be expected to know at a moment's notice the exact location of every scribbled note, scrap of paper, and crumpled receipt that has ever crossed your desk. You'll keep all of these items indefinitely, in a meticulous filing system, even though you've also committed them to memory.

Must be flexible: You'll be required to run personal errands.

Must be discreet: You'll be required to run embarrassing personal errands, and claim them as your own.

Attention to detail: You'll be expected to remember which restaurants your boss has approved for lunch meetings, exactly how he takes his coffee, and which corner of the desk the trades should be arranged on before he arrives in the office each morning. Slack on any of these and you'll likely need to employ that Thick-Skinned quality, so I hope you weren't padding the ol' resume on that one.

Strong computer skills: The company doesn't have an IT department, so you should know how get all of the computers up and running again after he crashes the system trying to download the latest celebrity sex video.

Excellent phone etiquette: Must be able to lie convincingly on the phone.

Excellent communication skills: Must be able to decipher cryptic phrases such as, "Andy, why don't I see that thing on my calendar?"

Ability to anticipate: You'll need to provide a synopsis and a new copy of that script he took home but didn't read, without being asked, and in time for the meeting where he will pretend that he read it.

Desire to learn the industry: You'll eagerly memorize the phone number and client roster of every agent in town. And you'll do it for peanuts because the experience is so invaluable.

Ability to handle a demanding environment: Your boss will demand one crazy, unreasonable thing after another. You'll handle it.

xxoo,
Andy Sachs

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The Assistant Files

I actually really like many parts of being an assistant. It's uncool, but I basically have the kind of '50s-housewife personality that is quite happy to bring people coffee and roll their calls.

However. There are a few things I really, really dislike about being an assistant, and this is one of them:

Assistant Call-Rolling Power Struggles

The following is all hypothetical and did not happen to me recently. Or anything like that.

Say your boss ("Boss") is pretty important. Say there's an executive ("Executive") who Boss deals with a lot and who feels that he, Executive, is a pretty big deal. Say that Boss does not necessarily agree. In fact, say that Boss and Executive basically dislike each other a lot, but are forced to work together because they're both on the same project.

So that's the backstory. Now, say that while Boss was in a meeting, Executive called and left word.

Hours pass. Boss doesn't return the call because Boss will always try to get out of calling Executive, no matter how often you say "Hey, Boss, we owe Executive a call." Eventually, Boss gets one of those jerk emails from Executive that reads "CALL ME." Boss swears creatively and yells out, can you please get Executive on the phone? You call Executive's office: "I have Boss returning Executive's call."

A pause. Executive's assistant says "Let me check." A minute passes. Executive's assistant gets back on.

"Okay, you put Boss on the phone and as soon as Executive can jump off the call he's on--"

"I'm not going to do that," you say. You don't want to put Boss on the phone because you suspect that Executive is mad at him, and will make him hold for more than the 15 seconds that's about the max Boss can handle before yelling at you that you shouldn't have put him on the phone if they weren't ready. "I can hold for Executive, though."

"...just put Boss on," the assistant says. For her part, she doesn't want me to hold for Executive because it means that her Executive will have to hold for my Boss, even if it's just for the few seconds between "Hi! Still me, sorry." and Boss getting on. (Confused yet?)

And just like that, the other assistant and I are now in the midst of an epic power struggle about whose boss is more important. (This is something I would not have believed if you'd told me about it when I first moved to LA.)

"Nope," I say.

"But Executive can't hold for Boss--"

"Are you kidding? You really think I'm going to make Boss get on the phone and listen to your hold music for five minutes just so Executive doesn't have to stay on hold for the time it takes me to push the hold button and tell Boss that he's on the line? Really? Really?!?"

"Just put Boss on the line to hold, it won't be for all that long--"

"No. We'll leave word. Thank you."

"Fine."

"Fine."

Basically it's a game of Hold Chicken, and it's stupid. As soon as I got off the phone, I was both very irritated that someone had dared play King Of The Phone Mountain with us and equally embarrassed that I cared about this even a little bit. I went into Boss' office, fuming. "What," Boss said. "I left word," I grumbled. "Also, Executive is such a jerk! His assistant tried to make you hold for him!!!"

"...," Boss said.

People in the industry often act like being an assistant qualifies you to eventually work your way up and have your boss' job. I disagree. You know what being an assistant qualifies you to do? Be a wife. In the '50s or early '60s. With a bunch of petty concerns, and sublimating your own power struggles into those of your boss/ersatz husband and obsessing over how people take their coffee and trying to anticipate their needs...it's very Mad Men.

xxo,

Andy Sachs

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The Assistant Files

I recently heard this philosophy of networking that says something along the lines of: you don't need to be out trying to meet as many people as possible. Instead you should put your energy into being someone that other people want to meet, and then let them come to you.

Let me first say, I don't know if I'm totally on board with this strategy. It seems like people who have introvert tendencies (ahem, writers) might take this as encouragement to just be TOTALLY AWESOME in the privacy of their own homes.

But it did start me thinking, in a roundabout way, of soundbites.

Say you're taking a meeting. The routine goes that they greet you and offer you a beverage and a seat, and then you have about five minutes of small talk. Because this five minutes comes at the beginning of the meeting when you're still good and nervous, it's pretty intimidating, right? You want to make a good impression, you want to build rapport, maybe you just want your voice to start working and the flop sweats to stop.

We all occasionally struggle with feeling like a person that others want to meet. Especially if you're still in that trying-to-turn-pro stage of your career, you might catch yourself feeling like you don't actually have a lot to offer yet. (Right? Is that just me?) So having a sound bite or two to fill that five minutes, a little scripted TA DA! all planned out ahead of time, can help take the edge off those nerves.

What the heck do I mean by 'soundbite'? Think of it as a hook, something people can latch onto so that you stick in their minds. Remember that game you played at sleepaway camp, "My name is Andy and I like alligators…" It's sort of like that; just a little something you're putting out there that people can associate with you. It makes you memorable.

You're a Yale grad who once took a year off to join the circus. You're a former JAG Corps judge who never rendered anything but a Guilty verdict. You have quotes from your favorite movie, Joe Versus the Volcano, tattooed on your body.

These are all soundbites I've heard from writers as they waited for meetings with my boss. (I can't vouch for their truthfulness, but hey-- they worked.)

With a soundbite, you give people a nice, neat little package of I'm Awesome, Jump On This Bandwagon. But you ALSO give the people you've met a way to sell you to, say, their agent, boss, or whomever else they might be passing one of your scripts along to. They get to rave about the fantastic new writer they met, and top it off with, "AND she used to work as a pilot for the President of the Congo. You should totally meet her." You're actually helping make their job easier. Now doesn't that sound like someone that other people would want to meet?

xxoo,
Andy Sachs

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The Assistant Files

As we speak, managers and agents all over town are weighing their options: take the spec out now and be the only one everyone is reading, or wait until January and spec with the masses? As Julie mentioned yesterday, Hollywood practically goes into hibernation for the winter. Most offices will close down sometime the week before Christmas and reopen after the first of the year, and very few specs will hit the town right before the break.

So if we're not inundated with new specs during the holiday season, what are we reading?

In the recent past, water cooler talk at this time of year has centered around The Black List. Legend has it The Black List was created a few years ago when one resourceful development exec, looking for good scripts to read, asked friends to nominate the ten best unproduced screenplays they'd read that year. He took hundreds of suggestions, compiled and ranked them by number of votes, and The Black List was born. He sent it back to his friends for their perusal. And since Hollywood is a town that trades on information, that list spread through tracking boards and email chains in no time.

As its first-page disclaimer states, "The Black List is not a 'best of'list. It is, at best, a 'most liked' list." Of course there are some scripts that people nominate just so they can act like the entertainment business is Important and Serious, or to make themselves feel smart. But I think largely people nominate what they liked, what made an impression over the course of the year.

To give you an idea of what makes the list, here are the top three scripts from the last three years:

2005: THINGS WE LOST IN THE FIRE (Allan Loeb), JUNO (Diablo Cody), LARS AND THE REAL GIRL (Nancy Oliver)

2006: THE BRIGANDS OF RATTLEBORGE (Craig Zahler), STATE OF PLAY (Matt Carnahan), RENDITION (Kelley Sane)

2007: RECOUNT (Danny Strong), FARRAGUT NORTH (Beau Willimon),PASSENGERS (Jon Spaihts)

What do we assistants do with The Black List? Read everything we can get our hands on, update our lists of writers, and debate the relative merits of the scripts as if we have some decision-making power.

The list has grown each year, and the 2008 edition will include the suggestions of a couple hundred film executives and high-level assistants.

Votes are in and the list is due out mid-December. If you can get your hands on them, I highly recommend reading these scripts. After all, these are the favorite scripts of the people you want to be in business with, the ones that got people excited. You might as well see what the buzz is about.

xxoo,
Andy Sachs

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The Assistant Files

A little confession: I couldn't think of a topic to write about today. I searched dark corners of my brain for something, anything, about an assistant's life that you might find interesting. But there was nothing.

And then I happened to be on the phone with a genuine literary agent, and I thought, "Now there's a head writers might want to get inside!" So I asked him, "Awesome Lit Agent, if you could give some advice to the up-and-coming screenwriters of the world, what would it be?"

His response? "Where do I start!"

And then I waited while he laughed at his own joke. But THEN he actually did offer some advice on three things your script can do to catch his eye and turn him in your favor right away: have a good title, hit the important structural beats, and have a great opening sequence.

Remember how we talked about building trust in a query letter? It's sort of the same thing. He's looking for some indication that your script won't make him want to beat his head on his desk.

Said the agent, "Let's be honest, my instincts are to do as little work as possible." And he has plenty of scripts to read, work to be done. So he's going to put your script through a few checkpoints before he commits to giving it a real read. First you have to grab him with the title. Then he'll flip through to see if the inciting incident, act breaks, and midpoint show up at the appropriate times. And then he'll read the first three pages to see if you've established the tone, if the writing is fresh and clear, and if it seems like a story worth telling.

And if you meet all those requirements, he'll give you until about page ten to really hook him in. Time is money, folks. If the first ten pages don't compel him to read the rest, he's on to the next script in the pile.

Now keep in mind that this isn't ALL he's looking for in a script. But imagine it's Sunday night, and he has a stack of scripts he has to get through before tomorrow's meeting where they'll discuss the weekend read. He's going to survey the selection and prioritize. Sometimes other factors come into play: "Oh, this is the one that the senior agent was pushing (moves to the top). Hmm, this is the one from my mom's dry cleaner (moves to the bottom)." But if you're one of the rest of the scripts in the bunch, these three things he's mentioned can help get you closer to the top of the pile. Which is good, because you know he's not getting through that whole mountain of scripts on Sunday night, that's for sure. Not with Entourage to watch. So the closer you can get to the top, the better your chances of getting read now, rather than trying your luck in next weekend's heap.

There you go, Wavers. Apparently agents don't just schmooze in expensive Beverly Hills restaurants all day, they also read scripts. I braved the Armani suits and finger guns to get this information. Don't say I never did anything for you.

xxoo,
Andy Sachs

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The Assistant Files

Some assistants read query letters and some don't. Unfortunately you really don't know which type of assistant your letter is going to land in front of. (And trust me, it will almost definitely be an assistant who opens any mail you send.) But I'd venture to say that more are read than aren't. Because, as I've blathered on about before, it's good for an assistant's career to find that next great script. Hoping to do so, we go to the pitch fests, we see who's winning which contests, and we read queries.

Of course by "read" I mean "skim with about 8% of my attention span while I also roll calls with my boss."

I started thinking about this topic because Blake Snyder posted about it last week on his blog. He encourages querying, but also writes, "But what actually do we put into those communiques to elicit the best possible response?"

Um… let me preface this by saying that this is just one assistant's opinion. Okay? But for me the answer is SO SIMPLE I almost can't believe there might be people out there pondering the existence of other answers.

The first thing I look at? The thing that better be SO GOOD it commands 100% of my attention? The logline, obviously.

Because it's all about the idea for the movie. I mean, your letter could be witty or brilliant or fascinating in some other way, but if I'm going to go to the effort of REQUESTING and then READING yet another script, it's only because your logline made me say, "Now THAT'S a movie!" So make sure it's an amazing, wish-I'd-thought-of-it idea.

Once you have that, make it easy for me: put your logline right there in its very own paragraph, indent it, make it bold. It's the VERY FIRST THING I'm going to look for, so you may as well direct my eyes to it.

And that's about it! Sounds easy, right?

However, even AFTER you've dazzled me with your logline there are still many, many things you can do in your letter to make me hesitate about requesting your script. They include but are not limited to:

*misspelling pretty much anything
*sounding like an amateur
*sounding crazy and/or desperate
*telling me how much your friends, family, or anyone else I don't know
from Adam liked your script
*including photos of you and your dog dressed as characters from your story

I'm not saying any one of these things on its own would make me turn away from a great logline ( ...possibly the last one), but enough of them together might add up to make me think, "I don't know if I want to deal with this person." Because you have to remember, A LOT of query letters come in. That's a lot of potential projects, and I have to figure out a way to weed through them somehow.

Simple, professional, and AWESOME. That's pretty much what you're shooting for with a query letter.

xxoo,
Andy Sachs

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The Assistant Files

You know that Making It daydream you have? The one where someone has given you a huge amount of money for your totally awesome spec? And now you're meeting with the execs and producers, and they're fawning over your unrivaled genius? Yeah. That fawning? Lasts for about five minutes. It comes right after they shake your hand and offer you a beverage, and right before they start telling you all the things in your script that need to be changed.

It's true: once you're in business with a production company or studio, you're going to get notes on your script. Prepare yourself.

"Oh, Andy!" You say. "I can take notes! OF COURSE I can take notes. Done it a million times. How else do you think my work of pure genius came to be?"

Yes, well. I'm guessing the way you usually get notes is from one person at a time. You send your draft to a couple of aspiring-writer friends, maybe your mom, and then they come back with comments that range from, "I really liked it!" to "It's your best work yet!"

Not anymore! Now you're going to get notes from several people in tandem, people who are not your friends. It's the Hollywood equivalent of being jumped into a gang. Fun, huh?

A lot is made of the fact that this business is a collaborative one. Which just means you're going to get a lot of input thrown at you. Everyone involved will have something to say about the script (no longer YOUR script so much as THE script). Some of the input will be annoying. Some of it will be confusing. But some of it just might be helpful.

I once dated a guy, a baby screenwriter, who had sold a project and was meeting with the involved parties about the first rewrite. Your average cynical Hollywood type, Boyfriend was stunned when someone in the meeting actually had a good idea. An idea that fixed a little thing in the script that had always bugged him, but he'd never quite worked out. Now, don't worry writers-- I'm not giving all your credit away. It was a minor thing that the suit had managed to fix. And I'm not sure he even realized he was fixing it. But Boyfriend was thrilled with the idea. And had the good sense to recognize it, and to incorporate it. His attitude about taking notes was forever changed. (By 'forever' I mean 'until the next meeting'.) As he said, "Hey, they can give me all the ideas they want. The only person who's going to get credit for them is me!"

…I didn't want to snuff out the mad glint in his eye by reminding him that it was entirely possible he'd be rewritten and have to share credit.

Then again, if he took all of their notes as ungrudgingly, they'd be much less likely to replace him. Hey, I'm not saying roll over and sell out. But keep in mind that a good idea can come from anywhere. And, as absurd as they might sometimes be, producers and studio execs aren't idiots.

Smart writers take notes with grace. Not only does it earn you the reputation of being pleasant to work with, but that way when a good idea shows up, you're open to it.

Until next time, Wavers!

xxoo,
Andy Sachs

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The Assistant Files

Remember how I said assistants are basically pretty cranky people?

…Yeah, that's still true. But what I didn't mention is how sometimes it's the smallest, lamest thing that can make an assistant happy. We put up with a lot of crap, so our standards are pretty low. Seriously. We'll count it a banner day if we get a word of praise and a bagel with cream cheese.

Number one on the list of Stuff Assistants Like?

INFORMATION. Maybe it's turning my boss onto that script that everyone will be buzzing about tomorrow, or knowing which exec is out at which company. Whatever the case, information is good. It gives me an edge on the competition and helps me do my job. (Notice how being informed is also the exact opposite of most of the items on my Stuff Assistants Hate list.)

Here's some other stuff assistants like**, in no particular order:

* Free food at the office. I work in an expensive part of town. Expensive as in EVERYONE ELSE GETS TO EXPENSE THEIR LUNCHES. They don't think twice about an eighteen dollar salad, but as an assistant, I am poor. Heck, I'll even take food scraps. Scavenged leftovers from the conference room? That's one less meal I'm buying today.

* Open bar events. As in, basically free; see above.

* Holidays. A day off? Enough said.

* Basking in Reflected Glory. Okay, I don't like to admit this one, but it's kind of nice when someone is impressed by who you work for. Which is just SAD, because that has nothing to do with ME. Of course, I try to tell myself that it does actually have something to do with me, that they must be impressed because working for someone of that caliber means I'm a REALLY good assistant. And then we're full circle back to SAD, so.

* Gift runoff. You know, anything your boss doesn't want, like Lakers tickets (he's already courtside with Jack), or muffin baskets (he's doing Atkins this week).

* That five hour block of time when my boss is in the air between L.A. and N.Y. and required to turn off his Blackberry -- delicious radio silence.

*Award season screeners.

* The Top-Secret Assistant Benefits Package. I'm not at liberty to divulge the details of this benefits plan, but it may involve messenger service, unfettered access to a postage meter, and a lifetime supply of post-its and pens.

But hey, you know what else assistants like? Reading a great script. The kind of script that gets your heart pounding, and reminds you why you chose this crazy industry to begin with. The kind of script you can't wait to show your boss, and that gives you delusions of promotions and producing credits.

So what are you waiting for? Make an assistant happy. Get writing!

xxoo,
Andy Sachs


**Not intended to be a comprehensive list.

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What We Can Learn From Cranky Assistants

So you read the latest Assistant Files. First of all, everyone at the Rouge Wave including me is so grateful to Andy for sharing her trials and travails because trust me, she has a stressful job and taking any extra time to share her thoughts with us is nothing short of a heroic act at the end of a long, cranky day.

So what's the, as they say in magazine writing, "take-out" value on her latest installment? Be nice to assistants. This is who you're up against when you call. Now, Andy is a studio assistant for a big deal, muckety-muck executive, but her experience is quite like that of an assistant for an agent or manager.

The writer who is aware of the circumstances going on on the other end of the phone is a writer with an advantage. Don't call 8,000 times, don't overstay your welcome on the phone. Be respectful; get in and get out and definitely, definitely make nice.

In general, do your research when you interact with others in the entertainment business. Don't query a horror producer with your romcom, don't assume a manager is a "has been" because you haven't seen him in the trades recently (true story and the writer could not have been more wrong about this particular manager), don't be curt with assistants and don't take things personally.

As a writer, it is incumbent upon YOU to do your homework, understand the milieu you're dealing with and market yourself in a way that makes you a writer people want to do business with. If you could hear what I hear from managers about needy, whiny, stalky writers, you'd be appalled. There is actually an unofficial "do not call" list for stalky writers that circulates at production companies and studios. You do not want to be on that list.

So more than the entertainment value Andy offers, she is also sending a message directly to you - this is her life, and you might be that 20th caller of the day. Find out the asssistant's name, treat them politely and pleasantly and you will be surprised at the difference in how your call is received and your message passed on. Versus the eye-roll and do-not-call list status that many writers unwittingly wind up on.

Do not name drop unless you have explicit permission to do so.

I very recently heard tell of a writer who had a passing acquaintance with a friend of mine who is in a position to make things happen. She got on the phone all over town and began using my friend's name. An executive called my friend and said please tell your friend to leave me alone. My friend was mortified and pissed off. She had to call the writer to say please, cease and desist - do not use my name. Ouch and double ouch.

So a big Rouge Wave thank you to Andy for sharing what her day-to-day is like and I hope that Wavers find her posts more than amusing but educational as well.

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The Assistant Files

Assistants are basically pretty cranky people.

…wait. That may just be me.

And that may just be me, today.

Ordinarily I'm sort of cheerful, but today I'm having the kind of day where things just keep going south without warning. Just minor, petty things. Things that probably wouldn't even drive you crazy if you were a person who had any job but being an assistant.

For instance, people I don't know keep showing up and walking into my boss' office without telling me who the hell they are. That may not seem like a big deal, but it's really throwing me off, because a huge portion of my job is about guarding the gate like a deceptively friendly watchdog. I'm the last line of defense between my boss and the myriad people who'd like to suck up his time and involve him in meetings he doesn't want to have. Or even just some guy who came by to measure a couch but went to the wrong office by mistake.

That's why I'm here, people. To raise my eyebrows and say, politely but firmly, "I'm sorry, his schedule's pretty tight today" and send the interloper away.

So, yes. It may be petty, but I HATE IT when people just cruise right on past my desk and into the office.

Other things I hate:

*People who call and say "Yeah, it's Russ" when you don't know who "Russ" is and then are all offended that you don't know about the glory of the Russmeister.

*When producers call you and go "It's Stan Williams" as though you should know which company and which movie. And then are offended when you ask what it's about.

*When you tell your boss "It's Stan Williams" and they say "Who?!?" and make you go back and ask. See above.

*As mentioned, when people go into your boss' office without talking to you first and then your boss is all "Um, why did you let that person in here?"

*Inevitably, the next time you stop someone it will be Steven Spielberg, but you didn't recognize him because he was wearing a damn beret.

*When you're trying to make someone do something for your boss because your boss is important but the person doesn't know who your boss is or how important they are and then you have to stop being subtle and go "Listen, he's the head of production, he needs his lunch NOW."

*When your boss disappears and then people are mad at you that you don't know where he went.

*When your boss is missing a deadline and people are mad at you, but it's not your fault. And you can't do anything about it. And your boss is hiding in a bunker in Telluride and you can't even get him on the phone, stop standing at my desk and telling me to get him, I can't, leave me alone.

*When your boss has some minor computer mishap that you could almost certainly fix if given five minutes, but he gets so upset and panicked that you cave and call IT, and halfway through the call you hear him call out from his office: "…Nevermind."

*When someone is talking at you and you point at your headset and mouth "On the phone" and they keep talking.

*When you're on the phone and another call comes in and you say to the person "Hey, can I put you on hold for a quick sec?" and the person says "Yeah, just let me finish my thought real quick blah blah blah blah blah" and you miss the other call. That other call is always, always, always going to be Brad Pitt or the Pope.

Next time, a counter-list of THINGS ASSISTANTS LOVE.

xxo,

Andy Sachs

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The Assistant Files: You Can't Handle the Truth

Hollywood Truth #1: There is no truth in Hollywood, only versions of the truth.

As an assistant you are expected to lie effectively on behalf of your boss. It's not so much malicious or destructive lying, or spreading totally false gossip (usually). It's more like misdirection to soften a blow or buy time. It's part of maintaining your boss's relationships with the people in his life: colleagues, the big boss, the talent, even his significant other and his mom.

It's also a good idea to lie to your boss when necessary. You know, like when he tells you to get him a dinner reservation at that hot new restaurant, but the maitre d' has NO IDEA who your boss is (or he isn't important enough and the maitre d' just doesn't care). There's no point in relaying that information back to your boss. Just assure him you'll get it done, then figure out a way – again, I suggest lying – and your boss will be SUPER IMPRESSED. Okay, not really. But he will definitely be the opposite of super impressed if you aren't able to get the reservation.

So, what if you're inexperienced with lying, or just plain no good at it? Not to worry! In Hollywood, the role models abound.

Pay attention and you'll learn how to:

*Fake having read that script!
*Get out of meetings and lunches with people who are a waste of time!
*Avoid your superiors while giving the impression you're actually working and probably deserve a promotion and/or raise!
*Compliment someone's work when really it kind of made you wonder if they'd recently gone off some heavy meds!
*Talk to people without giving them any concrete answers or useful information!

Is it disheartening to realize that every word spoken to you has to be analyzed for content? Sure. It's also why everyone in Hollywood is neurotic and paranoid. Well, maybe not the ONLY reason, but it's undoubtedly a contributing factor.

Which brings me to my real point… In your writing career you'll often have to suss out the true parts of what you're hearing. There will definitely be times when you think, "Wait, didn't you just tell me you LOVED my script? Then why are you giving me sixteen pages of things I need to change?!"

My advice? Find some allies who will help interpret the meaning of the messages. Just like in the dating game when you're trying to figure out why that guy who told you how awesome you are hasn't called you for three weeks, and your best friend explains you're overlooking the part where he said, "…but I don't think we should see each other again." Your friends often have perspective you don't, because they're not as in the middle of the situation as you are. So figure out who those people are for you. Keep them on speed dial under the category Truth Brain Trust.

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The Assistant Files

You've heard the horror stories, the things we assistants have to do for our bosses. Assistant abuse is so rampant in Hollywood, we should have our own colored-bracelet campaign.

There's the story of the assistant who had soup thrown at him by a big-time female producer (fortunately the soup wasn't hot, but I think that may actually have been the root of the problem). And the one about another producer's assistant who, in an attempt to ensure time off for Thanksgiving with his family, invited the producer to accompany him. Assuming, of course, the producer would feel so bad about declining that he would insist the assistant take the needed time off. No dice; the producer accepted, and our poor assistant friend had to spend his holiday catering to his boss in front of the entire family.

Have you ever thought about how far YOU would go, if you thought it was all leading up to the big payoff? Would you babysit your boss's kids in a pinch so he could go to a meeting? Spend your Sunday choosing, wrapping, and delivering his wife's birthday gift, because it had slipped his mind until that morning? Transport his fresh stool sample to the lab? All true stories from yours truly, my friends. Yes, assistants get asked to do lots of un-fun things. But we do it, because we're paying our dues.

Hey, I don't make the rules, I'm just playing the game. And unfortunately, there's a lot of unsportsmanlike behavior. There are schmucks who will take advantage of their assistants just because they can, and there are plenty of shmate salesmen who will take advantage of baby writers, just because they can.

You've seen the postings on Craigslist, right?

When you're trying to make it as a writer, it's very tempting to take any and every opportunity that comes your way. But are you weighing the benefit of the opportunity against its cost to you? How much of your time, sanity, and sunny disposition are you willing to give away?

Figure these things out now, before you lose all perspective when, from where you're standing, this opportunity is obviously your one and only Big Break. (That's not true, by the way, I'm just saying that's how it might feel at the time.) Write a memo to yourself if you have to. Remember to go back to it when some "producer" is asking you for a free two-year option on your material.

'But Andy,' you say. 'What if this guy is the key to my success and I walk away just because he's not offering any money up front? I don't want to be difficult!'

To that I say— I don't know. What, I don't have all the answers either! If you think that's the way to go, then by all means, best of luck to you. My advice is simply this: right now, decide your limits. This IS Hollywood after all, where limit-testing is our favorite sport.

xxoo, Andy Sachs

DISCLAIMER: The Wave-inatrix is not yet high enough on the food chain to throw cupcakes at Chaia so in lieu of that we have been practicing Cupcake Relay Racing and hope to make it to the World Championship '09, held annually at the Betty Crocker factory in Dubuque.

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The Assistant Files

Do you guys read the trades? Do you even know what I'm talking about? You know, the showbiz trade publications, mostly The Hollywood Reporter and Variety. They come out every day, and are pored over and debated in every office, phone call, and lunch meeting all over town. I've worked with people for whom the Reading of the Trades was a ritual that Could. Not. Be. Interrupted. Serious business, I tell you.


(There was also the story of that intern who forgot to place the trades on the exec's desk one morning and was never heard from again, but I'm sure the rumors of his disappearance have been greatly exaggerated.)

For execs and agents – and assistants, too – keeping up on industry news is vital. But I was pondering today whether or not it's a good idea for writers to read the trades. How much information about the industry do you need? How much is too much?

PRO:
* Collecting conversational tidbits about your chosen field. You can throw them around and sound like an insider at your local coffee shop or cocktail party. If you happen to talk to someone you've recently read about, you'll be primed to compliment them on their latest project.

CON:
* Keeping up with industry news is basically a full-time job (they're called execs, agents, and assistants), and you could easily procrastinate your writing time away.

PRO:
* Getting an idea of who's doing the kinds of projects you want to be doing. You can then seek them out, attend their speaking engagements, read the books and scripts they've written, maybe even make a friend or mentor of them.
.
CON:
* Getting arrested for stalking;

PRO:
* Keeping up on script sales and project announcements could keep you from wasting untold amounts of time working on a script that's too similar to one already in the pipeline.

CON:
* Finding out Big Famous Movie Star just got a greenlight on a project that's identical to that spec you finally finished last night, after months of blood, sweat, and tears.

PRO:
* Reading industry news excites and inspires you to keep working and striving toward your goal. You know you love it, this crazy industry of ours, otherwise you'd be endeavoring toward something more attainable. Like, say, curing cancer, or mediating a resolution to that pesky East Coast – West Coast issue.

CON:
* Hearing about other people's success can be surprisingly discouraging. You'll wonder if it will happen for you, why you didn't think of that brilliant-but-obvious idea, when will your big paycheck arrive.

Ultimately it's your call, but I think the Pros outweigh the Cons. It's important to be informed. And so long as you take everything with a grain of salt, keep your positive attitude, and stay focused on your own personal goals, having a working knowledge of who's who and what's what might give you an edge over writers who don't, and help you get to that point in your career when we're all reading your name in the trades.

xxoo,
Andy Sachs

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The Assistant Files

Not to be a jerk, but someone on one of my email groups just asked if "anyone had any information on how to roll calls", she thought it might have something to do with getting several people on the phone at once, but she wasn't really sure.

WHAT.

I say again: WHAT.

"Rolling calls" is an assistant skill so basic it's about on the same level as "Hey guys! Here's how you send a fax." It's pretty surprising that someone on a group for industry assistants wouldn't know what rolling calls IS, let alone how you do it.

So, here's a crash course:

Rolling calls is what you do when your boss is in his car, calling in on his cell, and you're setting up calls for him, functioning as a kind of telephonic bridge between him and the person he wants to talk to. (Some people also use "rolling calls" to describe what happens when your boss is in his office and you're returning calls with him, something other people call "let's do some calls" or just "get me so and so on the phone" - I know, confusing!)

So your boss calls in:

YOUR BOSS
Hey, it's me.

YOU
Hi.

YOUR BOSS
Any calls?

YOU
No.

YOUR BOSS
(disbelieving)
Really.

YOU
(inexplicably guilty-feeling, even though there really were no calls.)
...really.
(making something up to make him feel important.)
But Carol came by to ask you where you get your pants, because she thinks they're awesome.

YOUR BOSS
...really?

YOU
Well, no. I mean, she did come by and mention that her husband was having a hard time buying happening trousers, so-

YOUR BOSS
...

YOU
Want to do some calls?

YOUR BOSS
Yeah.

Here, you look at his phone sheet and tell him who he owes a call to.

YOU
Evan called again--

YOUR BOSS
No.

YOU
And you owe Ian F. a call from last Thursday--

YOUR BOSS
Ugh, I hate that guy. Who else?

YOU
How about Danni at [redacted]?

YOUR BOSS
Okay.

Here - and this depends a little bit on your phone system, but the gist is the same - you put your boss' call on hold, call Danni at [redacted], and conference the two of them together. Here's the key: do not get off the call. You stay on the call muted out so you can eavesdrop/take notes/pretend not to care that your boss likes to talk about his bowel issues/start a new call when he's done with this one.

So, let's say that you've dialed the number for Danni at [redacted]:

DANNI'S ASSISTANT
Danni's office.

YOU
Hi, I have Bossman calling for her.

DANNI'S ASSISTANT
("Let me see if he's important enough to talk to".)
One moment.

Hold music plays. Now one of several things will happen, and here's the easiest:

Danni herself picks up.

DANNI
Hey, Bossman!

At this point, you are the only one on the call. Your boss is still on the 405, listening to something embarrassing like Fall Out Boy, holding impatiently. This moment is always a little awkward.

YOU
Hi Danni, still me, hang on--
(you conference in your boss)
Bossman, you're on with Danni.

Mute out the call, wait for them to finish, unmute, start a new call as needed.

The second option is that Danni isn't there/is on a call/hates your boss:

DANNI'S ASSISTANT
Hi, Danni's in a meeting, can we return?

YOU
Thanks.

You then make a note of the fact that Danni owes your boss a call, tell Bossman that you left word, and start a new call as needed.

A thing that happens sometimes is that some bosses are very weird about picking up before the other executive has picked up. That is, if they have to suffer through that "Hey, John!" "Sorry, still me. John, you're on with David." moment, they'll get pissed at you for not being a better psychic operator. The only thing to be done about this is to maintain a mental org chart of how important other people are relative to your boss. The big dog gets to get on the line last. This is easier if you're working for someone important; if you're working for someone less important who has an attitude issue, ENJOY.

Something else that can happen is that you'll get incoming calls while you're rolling on the other line. Don't panic! You're already muted out, so just put your boss' call on hold, switch to the incoming line, tell them that your boss is unavailable, add that person to the phone sheet, and switch back to your boss' call (hopefully before your boss ends his call and is all "Hello? HELLO? WHAT IS HAPPENING? HOW DO I WORK MY PHONE?!?" - that's why you need to get off the other line as quickly as you can.) Some bosses are pretty intense about not ever letting calls go to voicemail, so do what you need to do to get through moments of every line on your phone lighting up at once. I personally like to pretend that I'm a 1940s switchboard operator, or one of the girls on Mad Men.

Next week, frauxling, good excuses, and the top five guys nobody wants to get on the phone!

xx0,

Andy Sachs

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The Assistant Files

Every year the passing of Labor Day is like a starter pistol for the race to the end of the year. September flies by with the activity of spec season. Then come the High Holy Days and Thanksgiving, and all of a sudden you're into hardcore holiday season with Hanukkah, Christmas, Golden Globe nominations, New Year's Eve, and then where are you? Oh yeah, NEXT YEAR.

But let's back up. That hardcore holiday season that I mentioned brings with it something that assistants all over town cherish. A little period of time I like to call THE REAPING OF THE WANTON HOLLYWOOD GIFTING EXCESSES.

That's right. People in Hollywood loooooooove a reason to give gifts. It's the perfect opportunity to redeem oneself for past offenses or sneak in a little buttering-up, without seeming too weak or desperate. When a gift-giving opportunity arises, the giver gets to come off as benevolent, and the givee gets free stuff. Everybody wins.

Everybody, including assistants. Oh, yes. It sends a tingle up my spine just thinking about it. The most common sources of our loot:

1) From the agencies: Because the big agencies inundate the assistant community with gifts. Sometimes they get it right, sometimes not so much. CAA in particular has had a good reputation for gift-giving, which I've heard credited back to Mike Ovitz. Apparently he understands the power of free stuff. It makes people like you (or your company). And everybody knows how fast information spreads through the Assistant Underground, both good and bad. Now I'm not one to gossip, but Defamer is fond of reviewing the worst agency gifts. I'm just happy to be remembered. And, hey-- I can always re-gift it to my little brother. It's the thought that counts, right?

2) Cast-offs from our bosses: Because we work for people who have little need for yet another rabbit wine bottle opener or zip-up fleece travel blanket. But assistants? We'll take what we can get. Who cares if it bears a corporate logo; my whole apartment and half my luggage is branded.

3) From clients, if you work for a manager or agent: Because some clients like to recognize the person putting their calls through and scheduling their lunches. Smart people, those. Whether it's conscious or not, when an assistant likes you, you do get a little better treatment.

Do we have time for a little reminiscing? In the past I've received things like: a trendy designer sweatsuit, bottles of wine, an iPod mini, a spa gift certificate, money, and – always appreciated – food. Maybe it's just me, but I ALWAYS get excited about food-related gifts. It doesn't have to be expensive, as long as it's delicious.

Even if there aren't currently any assistants in your life, I think this is a lesson you can take with you into the future, when you are a player in the Hollywood game. Just putting it out there: assistants like gifts.

xxoo,
Andy Sachs

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The Assistant Files

And continuing Good In the Room Week here at the Assistant Files…

Truth be told, I guess I forget how daunting it must be to writers -- especially new, trying-to-break-in writers -- to walk into a strange room and try to prove unequivocally to people you've never met that you are a genius and they should give you large sums of money.

At least, that's probably what it feels like on your end. "Look at me! Watch me dance! Faster? I can go faster! Watch these tricks!"

But you know, from the point of view of the exec or producer, he's really just hoping that you won't be boring, and might even be someone that'll make him look good, what with your killer project and your undeniable awesomeness which everyone else in town will soon be clamoring to get a piece of.

A while ago I stumbled on this video of Michael Wiese teaching some folks how to act in a meeting. It's short, and it makes some good points, so you should watch it.

Here's what I think you can take from this video:

1) Listen to what he says about assistants. That Michael Wiese is a wise, wise man.

2) I've said it before and I'll say it again: be confident. No, not a cocky know-it-all. But do show the folks you're meeting with that they are in capable hands and that you are confident in the material. Outward calm and confidence makes them think you know what you're doing, even if inwardly you know you're just fumbling around in the dark. Again, confident and calm, not needy and desperate.

3) Know your audience. What is it that they're looking for? What brought you into the room to begin with? There must be something that they liked about your idea if they agreed to meet with you; try to highlight that. If you know your audience, you can show them how you're really on the same team. That's the whole point, right? Not so much to sell them something, but to get in business together. You each have something to offer the other. If you look at it that way, you're really on equal footing. Just two people in a room, working together toward a common goal.

Everyone likes a winner, and Basking In Reflected Glory is an important and valuable skill set in Hollywood. Everyone wants to be associated with a hit property, however tenuously, because hustling for that next gig isn't an activity exclusive to writers. Being associated with a winner adds to their worth, helps them get the next meeting, the next project, or maybe just the next M/A/W to come talk to them instead of the guy over there who worked on MEET DAVE.

So be the winner that they want to know. Be the likable hero of your own real-life adventure.

Does that help? I hope so, because I really do want you to succeed. That way when I'm making the rounds, trying to get my next gig, people will be really impressed when I drop your name.

xo,
Andy Sachs

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The Assistant Files

When writers come in to pitch my boss, he usually closes the door. I bring them Diet Cokes and room-temperature waters, ask if they need anything else, and go back to my desk.

Where I then eavesdrop on their conversation.

(The entire point of being an assistant, after all, is that you get to learn by example. You stay on your boss' calls, you have access to his emails, you listen to him in meetings. It's not much, but it's basically the entire perks package on offer, so you gotta take advantage of it when you can.)

It's interesting how easy it is to tell if a writer is good in a room. Even with the door closed. Even if I can only hear the rise and fall of their conversation over the hum of the A/C.

Good in the room: the writer talks for a while. My boss starts to interject questions. His questions and comments come faster and faster. There are bursts of laughter or exclamations of surprise and approval. The meeting runs long, and I have to bump the next thing on his calendar.

Bad in the room: the writer won't let him get a word in edgewise, because he has a memorized pitch he's rattling off. There are long, confused pauses. My boss opens the door again after twenty minutes. "Thanks for coming in," my boss says to the writer. "Great on paper," my boss might say, after the writer leaves. "But did you see how sweaty he was? Poor guy."

You need to be both a good writer and good in a room to have a career here, which probably seems awfully unfair to a lot of writers: not only do you have to be a great writer, you have to shave and put on pants and go be charming to some studio guy!

Hollywood as an industry likes to think of itself as "Cool". You can still work if you're writer-quirky (and in fact it might do you some good) but if you have a hard time making eye contact, screenwriting as a career is going to be tough. You spend a LOT of time in meetings, especially as a new writer whose spec just went out. Welcome to the meeting machine. Can we get you a beverage?

From where I'm sitting, "good in a room" has a lot to do with confidence. A writer who's calm and happy to talk about his story because he knows it and knows that it's good is pleasant to listen to. A writer who's tense and sweaty and thinks his story might be pretty bad, not so much. Which is not to say that his story actually IS bad, just that the executive listening to his fumbling pitch has probably already stopped listening and is thinking about Pinkberry.

People who are decent at pitching usually do it a lot. This is how the progression seems to go:

First, you have to get over the embarrassment that you're even talking about your idea.

Second, you have to stop apologizing for it. If you're going to write it, it must be pretty good, right? Nobody likes a braggart, but everybody likes calm and confident.

Third, you need to just tell the story. It's amazing how bad people are at this. I have a lot of sympathy, because it's hard to boil down 120 pages of your blood and sweat to a quick chat. But think of how you describe a spec you just read and loved, and then try to do that for your own work. Nix your insistence on talking about themes and subplots and character arcs. Tell us what the story is, and what's so great about it.

Fourth, you pitch so often that you get comfortable doing it. It makes you tense to listen to a pitch by someone who's nervous. It's very relaxing to listen to one by someone who knows his stuff and is calm.

Fifth, I eavesdrop on your conversation with my boss. Later, my boss comes out and says "That guy was awesome. Call his agent and set something up for next week. Let's get this going."

Congratulations, you're officially good in a room.

xxo,
Andy Sachs

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The Assistant Files

Hi Wavers, I'm back again to impart a little bit of Assistant Wisdom.

You've heard of the concept Six Degrees of Separation, right? Obviously you have; you're with-it screenwriter types. Well, forget Six Degrees; in Hollywood, it's more like two. The entertainment industry is basically high school. Maybe college, if the one you went to was relatively small and privately funded, with a conspicuously lax moral code.

But seriously, it's small. Just how small? Let me tell you a little story…

One night I ended up at a bar in my neighborhood with several assistants from a management company. The bar was about two blocks from the townhouse I lived in with a couple other girls. I had been living in this townhouse with one of the girls for several months, the third roommate had just moved in, someone I didn't know much about other than she was an aspiring costume designer and she looked for apartments on Craigslist. Maybe that situation sounds strange; it would to me too, before I moved to L.A.. But here it's not uncommon to end up living with people you don't really know. A product of lots of expensive housing plus lots of underpaid young people, I guess.

Anyway, I had gone with my management-assistant friends to their company holiday party, and this was our impromptu after-party, a.k.a. the after-we-ditch-our-bosses-party. We were loud, we were rowdy, we were squeezed in and around a booth too small for our group. The two guys in the booth next to ours seemed to be enjoying a quiet evening before we arrived, so I felt compelled to apologize to them. We got to talking, as people in bars are wont to do. One of the guys mentioned he was just visiting, I asked what brought him to town. Turned out he was a screenwriter. Turned out he was THE SCREENWRITER OF ONE OF OUR PROJECTS.

Wait, what? Are you kidding me? I happen to be in a bar and RANDOMLY start talking to a guy who is the writer of a script on our development slate? Bizarre coincidence, right? What a small world, right? But wait, there's more.

"Holy cow!" I said. "What a coincidence! Of all the bars in all of Los Angeles, HOW WEIRD that you would happen to be here, at my neighborhood watering hole!"

"Oh you live around here?" He said. "My sister lives a couple blocks away."

You already know where this is going, Wavers, don't you? After comparing notes further we discovered that his sister was MY NEW ROOMMATE.

Now THAT is a small world.

My point here is that everyone knows everyone else -- this random stranger in a bar happened to have connections to me both personally AND professionally. You never know when you meet someone what connection they have to your life, or what effect they might potentially have on your career.
If you take anything away from my experience, take this: 1) always talk to strangers in bars, and 2) don't get drunk and make a fool of yourself. Hey, I'm not judging. Just, you know, maybe stop before you throw up on some barfly's shoes. Who knows, he could be your future agent.

******
The Wave-inatrix here:

What Andy says is so true - I have a next door neighbor with windows flung open about 8 feet from where I am sitting right now. It's summer in LA; a REAR WINDOW thing happens in my neighborhood. So this neighbor, he enjoys his (very good and eclectic) music (loved the Bowie yesterday) and I can hear wisps of laughter, dishes clattering and even loud sneezes. He can probably hear pretty much dead silence; I only turn on the music when I'm cleaning or doing my capoeira practice. Anyway, so we finally met, this new neighbor and I, outside on our tree-lined street one evening earlier this week. Turns out this is Steve Faber. Co-writer of WEDDING CRASHERS. He didn't point it out, but when it came up organically Steve blushed some and shuffled his feet. I don't think it would have come up. I tried to keep my cool, Wavers, I really did. But moments later I found myself compulsively pointing out what I thought were the funniest parts of the movie. Among them - Isla Fisher's line of dialogue delivered in a sing-song: I would find you!

I told Steve about The Rouge Wave and hopefully one day, Wavers, Steve might make a guest appearance in the form of an interview. We'll see if I can talk him into it. I'm feeling a lot of blueberry pie deliveries to his doorstep and the mysterious muzzling of a certain yapping chihuahua who lives upstairs.

Steve, if you're reading this, that is totally not MY yapping dog, that is the chihuahua upstairs, really excited about his movie debut - another staggering six degree coincidence - no, I'm lying about that one. But it's not my yapping dog! I have a shih-tzu who might bark once a week or so, questioningly, toward the door when take-out arrives. Then she looks at me and goes back to sleep. So - I have quite the guard dog situation going on. Don't EVEN mess with my house, criminals. That twelve-pound ball of fur will take you down. After she opens one eye and notices you with the TV in your arms.

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