The Assistant Files

Remember how I said assistants are basically pretty cranky people?

…Yeah, that's still true. But what I didn't mention is how sometimes it's the smallest, lamest thing that can make an assistant happy. We put up with a lot of crap, so our standards are pretty low. Seriously. We'll count it a banner day if we get a word of praise and a bagel with cream cheese.

Number one on the list of Stuff Assistants Like?

INFORMATION. Maybe it's turning my boss onto that script that everyone will be buzzing about tomorrow, or knowing which exec is out at which company. Whatever the case, information is good. It gives me an edge on the competition and helps me do my job. (Notice how being informed is also the exact opposite of most of the items on my Stuff Assistants Hate list.)

Here's some other stuff assistants like**, in no particular order:

* Free food at the office. I work in an expensive part of town. Expensive as in EVERYONE ELSE GETS TO EXPENSE THEIR LUNCHES. They don't think twice about an eighteen dollar salad, but as an assistant, I am poor. Heck, I'll even take food scraps. Scavenged leftovers from the conference room? That's one less meal I'm buying today.

* Open bar events. As in, basically free; see above.

* Holidays. A day off? Enough said.

* Basking in Reflected Glory. Okay, I don't like to admit this one, but it's kind of nice when someone is impressed by who you work for. Which is just SAD, because that has nothing to do with ME. Of course, I try to tell myself that it does actually have something to do with me, that they must be impressed because working for someone of that caliber means I'm a REALLY good assistant. And then we're full circle back to SAD, so.

* Gift runoff. You know, anything your boss doesn't want, like Lakers tickets (he's already courtside with Jack), or muffin baskets (he's doing Atkins this week).

* That five hour block of time when my boss is in the air between L.A. and N.Y. and required to turn off his Blackberry -- delicious radio silence.

*Award season screeners.

* The Top-Secret Assistant Benefits Package. I'm not at liberty to divulge the details of this benefits plan, but it may involve messenger service, unfettered access to a postage meter, and a lifetime supply of post-its and pens.

But hey, you know what else assistants like? Reading a great script. The kind of script that gets your heart pounding, and reminds you why you chose this crazy industry to begin with. The kind of script you can't wait to show your boss, and that gives you delusions of promotions and producing credits.

So what are you waiting for? Make an assistant happy. Get writing!

xxoo,
Andy Sachs


**Not intended to be a comprehensive list.

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