Neologism-apalooza!

Who's there for you when you're at work and you're bored, Wavers? That's right, the Wave-inatrix is. So here's your lovin' spoonful of Mildly Interesting for this afternoon:


The Washington Post has just published the winning submissions to its
yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply
alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.),(back by popular demand): The belief that, when you
die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish
men.

17. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word
from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter,
and? supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortu n ately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious
bummer.

10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

13. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

17. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

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Losing My Religion

Losing my religion is an idiom which "...is an expression from the southern region of the United States, and means losing one's temper or civility, or "flying off the handle" according to Wikipedia and we all know that the Wiki is generally 82.5% mostly accurate.

Just for fun, since we're on the topic of language, the definition of idiom is:

1. A speech form or an expression of a given language that is peculiar to itself grammatically or cannot be understood from the individual meanings of its elements, as in keep tabs on.
2. The specific grammatical, syntactic, and structural character of a given language.
3. Regional speech or dialect.
4. 1. A specialized vocabulary used by a group of people; jargon: legal idiom.
   2. A style or manner of expression peculiar to a given people: "Also important is the uneasiness I've always felt at cutting myself off from my idiom, the American habits of speech and jest and reaction, all of them entirely different from the local variety" (S.J. Perelman).
5. A style of artistic expression characteristic of a particular individual, school, period, or medium: the idiom of the French impressionists; the punk rock idiom.

But I digress entirely. Why is there a picture of Medusa in a blog entry about language? Well, I'll tell ya. The Wave-inatrix is by nature a mellow gal with a great sense of humor. I love a good old-fashioned flub up in a script. It lightens my mood and reminds me that we can't take this life all that seriously.

But laziness, sloppiness and ineptitude, not just once but all over a script, well, I kind of go nuts. I guess I consider myself one of the last bastions of proper language usage. Don't get me wrong - I'm mad cool, I'm hip to it, I can get down with the latest dope expressions - but improper usage - it's just so whack. The long and short of it is that if you are writing a script - work with me people - perhaps you should make the time and effort to use the language correctly. But maybe it's just me.

Hey, education is an ongoing thing. So in that spirit, here are a few malaprops that just for the record, make my sense of humor puddle around my ankles and snakes writhe from my head. Just FYI.

It's HEAR HEAR - not HERE HERE

From Wikipedia:

Hear hear is an expression that originated as hear ye, or hear him, usually repeated. This imperative was used to call attention to a speaker's words, and naturally developed the sense of a broad expression of favour. This is how it is still used today, although one can always vary one's tone to express different sentiments; the Oxford English Dictionary noted around the turn of the century that the phrase is now the regular form of cheering in the House of Commons, and expresses, according to intonation, admiration, acquiescence, indignation, derision, etc.

Don't ask me why but get this straight: blond is for a boy, blonde is for a girl.

You take a breath. But I ask you if you can breathe. You do not take a breathe.

It's shudder. He shuddered when he heard the news. Shutters are something you close against rain.

A person bawls when they cry. Someone might be bawling. Not balling.

It's DUCT tape, people, DUCT – not…oh the inhumanity…duck tape.

The man was supposed to stop at the drug store. NOT the man was suppose to stop at the drug store.

And for once and for all, it's whipped cream, not whip cream. You whip it. So once it is whipped, it is WHIPPED CREAM. Oh god, I'm getting an eye twitch.

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Malapropalooza

You've waited, you've wondered, you've written the Wave-inatrix asking - when will we have another good old fashioned malapropalooza day on the Rouge Wave?

Well, Wavers, today is your lucky day; we at the Rouge Wave are privileged to be joined by the extraordinarily gifted Christina Hamlett who also just so happens to share my sense of humor and perhaps more importantly - my love of writers, of story, and of a good malaprop to lighten the day.

So without further ado, from the vaults of Ms. Christina Hamlett, the Rouge Wave presents:

1. Suddenly the door opened slowly.

2. As the expedition neared the campsite, Helena suddenly screamed. There, in the clearing, lay a poached rhino.

3. Margaret blanched aggressively.

4. A menacing voice suddenly came from Rodney's rear.

5. Peter's face descended into perfect blankness.

6. Greg's eyes fell to Sue's ankles and followed her out the door.

**Disclaimer**
Long time readers of the Rouge Wave know that the Wave-inatrix uses the term malaprop loosely to encompass both a real, live malaprop or just any use of the language that is inadvertently funny. Examples are always anonymous and changed up just the slightest bit for the sake of the writer.

Some weeks ago, one Perturbed Rouge Waver wrote in:

Dear Wave-inatrix, these malaprops are not very nice! Pulling words out of context isn't fair!

To which I replied:

Dear Perturbed, even in context these examples were wrong and more importantly - lighten up. Malapropalooza is meant in fun. You should be so lucky as to have your malaprop in the Rouge Wave. I love them.

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Perambulation

As always, Rouge Wavers, I save up interesting or comical mistakes I find in scripts for your entertainment and edification. That is to say, I hope you more than chuckle, you also take a lesson away from a given example.

Puzzled as if over the results of a random number generator, the Wave-inatrix often finds odd errors clustered not just in one script but in several scripts within one week. And recently, I found three scripts in one week that used the wrong synonym for "walk". Writers know that choosing descriptors with a finer point on them is important for writing interesting pages. In other words if every character simply "walks" across a room, that gets dull quickly. This is a truth fundamental to all writing, naturally. Writers are wordsmiths so our vocabulary knowledge is generally several points higher than the general public. Or at least - it should be. Here are three examples of synonyms for "walk" which were completely and totally, 100% contextually wrong:

His automatic weapon in hand, the secret serviceman waddled to the edge of the building to take aim.

WADDLED?? Like a baby with a dirty diaper? Or an obese old lady?

MARINE GUNNERY SERGEANT ROGERS picked up his baseball bat and angrily sauntered over to the fight.

This guy, who has a handlebar mustache, by the way, and now runs a rowdy bar with drunken patrons, is very upset in this scene. So he saunters?

DR. CARRIGAN scampers down the hall as he responds to the Code Blue.

Scampers? Like a kitten? This is an emergency room doctor in a hellish, low budget hospital. He's overworked, he's losing his mind a bit and he - scampers?

So Rouge Wavers, be aware that an excellent vocabulary is a requisite part of being a writer and if you aren't sure if you're using the right word, look it up.

Synonyms have shades of meaning; connotations and implications that shift the tone slightly in one direction or another. Use your words with precision. Because using an inappropriate synonym can inadvertently make the difference between a great description and a laugh at your expense. I don't know about you, but I don't want any waddling security guys protecting ME.

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Malapropalooza

That's right, Rouge Wavers, it's that time. I have again collected a small sampling of my favorite belly-laugh malapropisms. I have a special glass jar where I plunk them when I find them and save them just for you. It's just a short list this time. Oh, but such a good one:

Polished to a “I”.

A mop has gathered to watch the stoning.

Our time is neigh.

A medic sows up his leg.

You loose, I win.

The crowd clams down.

Sigmund approaches the Maiterde.

A gigantic blue portly fish bodied bird faced creature flew by.

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