The Assistant Files

Oh man are we lucky, Wavers. We have a new columnist on the Rouge Wave. She's a long time assistant at one of the biggest and most illustrious studios in Hollywood. She's funny, she's sharp and she's got the gossip. Welcome to The Assistant Files:

Hello, Wavers. Welcome to my life. This won't be pretty.

On Monday, rumblings of a new project started to float around town. I don't want to gossip, so here's a word jumble: SHANE BLACK DID A NEW LETHAL WEAPON ON SPEC WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE AND THEN TURNED IT IN TO JOEL SILVER AND NOW EVERYBODY IS EXCITED AND MEL AND DANNY ARE TOTALLY ON BOARD.

Oh wait. That wasn't really a jumble.

All day Monday, I kept thinking "That's ridiculous! I can't believe people are falling for this. I am totally not passing on that info. Man, are they ever gonna feel like fools when this turns out to be fake."

On Tuesday, this news was confirmed. I was so embarrassed I had to go to the bathroom and hide out for ten minutes. This is why I'm still an assistant, people. I lack the cut-throat mentality necessary to succeed in the shark-infested waters. Also, I use too many hyphens.

Last night, brushing my teeth, I started to think up fake scenes from LETHAL WEAPON 5: RETIREMENT SHUFFLE. You know, like that awesome fake Michael Bay-penned BATMAN script that was going around a while ago.

The script in my head went pretty much like this:

INT. GOLDEN GLEN HOME FOR THE MIDDLE-AGED – DAY

Riggs rushes into Murtaugh's retirement condo. The kind of retirement condo I, Shane Black, am going to buy if LETHAL WEAPON 5 is a big fat hit.

RIGGS
You've gotta come out of retirement!

MURTAUGH
Screw you! I'm gonna spend the next thirty years writing romance novels and counting down the day until Social Security goes to shit, at which point I'm gonna be doing a lot of pointing and laughing at you suckers who didn't max out your retirement plans.

RIGGS
Pointing and laughing be damned, there's a nebulous conspiracy plot involving drugs and corrupt cops to solve, also there's a bomb on a bus/plane/toilet!

MURTAUGH
Which one?

RIGGS
Does it really matter? I think Robert Downey Jr. is somehow involved.

MURTAUGH
Hey, I like that guy.

RIGGS
He's very likeable.

Murtaugh stands up. Grabs a container of Metamucil.

MURTAUGH
I'm too old for this shit.

RIGGS
Was that a bowel joke?

MURTAUGH
No.

Behind Riggs, the front door opens. Riggs and Murtaugh pull their guns like maniacs! They've still got it.

SHIA LABEOUF
Hey guys! I'm here and ready to invigorate your fucking franchise!


So are you excited for this one? People around town sure are. Maybe I just don't get it. I wasn't clamoring for Indy 4, either. I do really like Shane Black, and I do really like action comedies. As soon as the script leaks into the assistant underground, I will report back on my findings.

Uncool true story: I once had to go to Shane Black's house to pick someone up. Honestly, I was kind of disappointed. I was hoping it was going to be weird or have some kind of action-movie theme going on, but really it was just a giant expensive house set back from the road with a giant lawn acting like a kind of verdant moat to keep out the lower classes. The lawn looked like it should have some ponies on it. Or a small herd of Highland cattle. I asked my friend if the house had any awesome gags like exploding toilets or anything, but no dice. I hope that the income from LETHAL WEAPON 5 will allow Mr. Black to retrofit his toilets for pyrotechnics. Because that is what is required.

xxo,

Andy Sachs

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