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Thursday, January 22, 2009

Dear Academy Awards

Dear Academy Award Producers:

I'm asking really, really nicely here if you can please produce a ceremony that brings the Oscars out of the doldrums and back into relevance. You know what I mean. Ratings have dropped for many successive years. But I am your one true fan. I watch every year. And every year I hope for a monumental gaffe, streaker or Native American to collect a statue by proxy. But no. Every year I wind up with leftover warm beer, pretzel and potato chip crumbs all over the couch and a vague sense of having just lost three hours of my life. And zomg, not in a good way, like when I play online Scrabble. See, wasting time is a national pastime. So in a way, you've come full circle back into relevance.

Remember when Bette Davis won a lifetime achievement award? That was good TV. Why not serve booze to attendees right where they sit? Like in little commemorative flasks? Grease the wheels a little. I'm just sayin'.

We want numbers on this show, guys. Spice it up. Seat actors with long-running grudges next to each other. Get an animal act. Maybe an angry, drunk monkey. Seat Uma and Oprah right next to each other - see, no brainer. I am available for consultations, btw. That's short for "by the way" - you guys are a little behind the times, imo. LOL. This is the Facebook/Funny or Die Generation, guys. KK?

Why does Jack Nicholson always sit front and center? Can you mix that up a little? I mean, seriously, what goes on there?

Why didn't Revolutionary Road get more and more significant nominations?

Why did you choose Hugh Jackman to host? Sure, he's easy on the eyes, but seriously, I think we all have major qualms on this pick. Are Jon Stewart or Chris Rock just too "edgy?" I get your decision not to use Letterman - dear god - but Jackman? Isn't he irritated or embarrassed that Australia didn't get one nod? You better watch him carefully. He could do anything up there. I'm just pointing out the obvious. You're welcome.

I have included my return address so you can answer my questions. Much appreciated. Oh and p.s. - if you have an extra tickets, please mail them to me in the enclosed SASE. Thnx.

***
The complete list of nominations

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7 comments:

Wenonah said...

I too would like to see a Native American take home an award ... not by proxy though. ;-)

Cathy Krasnianski said...

Be careful what you ask for. Change doens't come naturally - or easily to the Academy. After all, remember two years ago, when they decided to have the (B-list)winners give their acceptance speeches from their seats? Now, wasn't that a wowser?

Christina said...

Amen! Especially the "booze in seat" suggestion. I used to love watching the game show "Match Game" as a child. I thought the adults were so funny. I've caught a couple episodes recently and now I know why the guests were so funny -- they were drunk.

rachel said...

oh julie i agree re the alcohol = god yes! but i can't agree re jackman. that's just my aussie bias i suppose. he can do no wrong in my eyes. though to be honest i was surprised he was chosen. now let's talk about rdj getting a nod for tropic thunder! :-)

Anthony Peterson said...

Hugh Jackman will do surprisingly well, mark my words.

Seth Fortin said...

I think drunken stunts would be awesome, but I think the problem lies more with the kinds of movies being recognized. As I think you mentioned sometime recently, drama is pretty much dead as a category in Hollywood. They spend money each year on end-of-season prestige movies that nobody really wants to see. Then they nominate them for awards, and nobody watches.

I mean, you can quibble with picks -- and I think the winners have pretty consistently been the lesser films -- but at least the nominated movies used to be good movies that people could get enthused about. Midnight Cowboy, The Godfather, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, Kramer vs. Kramer, Do The Right Thing, Pulp Fiction.... Even Titanic was at least epic and ambitious.

But the really interesting dramas these days are all happening in the indie/experimental realm. Which the Academy isn't really interested in rewarding. I think the best movie I saw last year might have been Synecdoche, New York. But does P.S. Hoffman get nominated for that? No, he gets nominated for Doubt, just like Penelope Cruz gets nominated for Vicky Christina Barcelona and not for her spectacular performance in Elegy. Bleah.

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