Directing the Eye of Your Reader

We all know that including directorial/camera instructions in your script is a big no-no. It's annoying, it's unprofessional, it's overstepping, it's pretentious and it's annoying. Yeah, I said annoying twice.* I'm talking about stuff like MOS (without sound), SMASH CUT, PAN TO, TRACKING SHOT, etc.

SMASH CUT TO:

*an anonymous Rouge Waver commenter once pointed out that I had used a word twice in a very ha-HA way. To which I responded, dude, I am a good writer. I never use a word twice unless I am being ironic or comedic. Every word I write is thought through. Because that's what writers do. Unless I'm too lazy, tired or hung-over to notice in which case, ha-HA away; nobody should drink 3 grape soda and vodka cocktails in a row and I know that now.

BACK TO SCENE:

Anywho, I get the impulse - we screenwriters see and hear the scenes we're writing. Aspiring screenwriters often do one of two things wrong: they either add camera directions as above, or they just - don't. They do something like:

WALT crosses to the sink and rinses his coffee cup. He notices the birds singing outside. Behind him, a drooling monster enters the kitchen and begins to pant hungrily. Walt turns and sees it.

Walt: Oh my god a drooling monster!!

B-O-R-I-N-G.

So the trick is, how do you guide the eye of the reader in your action lines without over or under serving the moment? How do you get that nice dun dun DUN moment in there?

Walt is the character whose point of view we are with, right? We are experiencing what he is experiencing. In the example above, the scene is written as if from a bird's eye view and it saps the scene of any tension. But try this:

WALT hums while he rinses his coffee cup in the sink. Outside, two robins chirp merrily at the bird feeder. Walt smiles when - another sound, one he doesn't recognize...it's not coming from outside. Slowly, Walt turns.

A DROOLING MONSTER is right behind him!

Walt rockets backwards onto his ass, spilling water all over himself.

Walt: My god! A drooling monster!

So we jump in later, we put Walt's attention on something else before he notices the monster, we create a nice dun dun DUN! moment when he sees the monster and we give him a sharp reaction to the sight of it.

Now that silly example might be really far from what you're writing but the concept applies to good scene work in any genre in any script.

Action lines are not just a droning narration, they are more akin to telling a story around a campfire. You know? Like in summer camp?

And THEN -

Everybody stares at you, the crackling of the fire the only sound as their respective marshmallows start to burn...

Behind her...

Your fellow campers can't stand it - what? What is behind her? I know you know what it is but TELL US!!

And it doesn't have to be scary, though I keep using those types of examples because I write psychological thrillers.

Let's crib that set piece from BRIDGET JONES I was talking about the other day. Without looking at the script, mind you, which was probably written differently than this but you'll still grok my point:

Darcy takes a swing at Cleaver. He goes down momentarily then rushes Darcy. The two struggle then tumble into -

A packed Greek restaurant!

Now, again, I actually don't know how that scene was written but you'll notice that the way I have done this here, the mere separation of the action lines gives the reader pause long enough to be pleasantly surprised. They don't see the Greek restaurant coming because you, simply using a line break, waited to show us that.

Another writer might have done this:

Darcy takes a swing at Cleaver. He goes down momentarily then rushes Darcy. The two struggle then tumble into a packed Greek restaurant.

You see how much more fun the first example is? But what I most commonly see from new screenwriters is this - the worst way to write this:

Darcy and Cleaver fight. Behind them, a Greek restaurant is open. They struggle their way into the restaurant.

I kid you not, I see that kind of writing all the time. Dull, dull, dull. You've told us everything from a bird's eye view and there's no fun to be had in the reading of that. YOU know there's a Greek restaurant and they're going to tumble into it but as the viewer (or reader) I only vaguely know there may be businesses on that street but I'm not really paying attention to what kind of businesses - I'm on the fight. That's the beat of the scene. The fight. But you, the writer, you're going to top the fight with the introduction of a new element - a packed restaurant.

Writing kinetic action lines is a variation of show don't tell but I prefer to think of it as an issue of pacing and where the eye is directed. What do you call attention to in order to then create some surprise on the page? A Greek restaurant! Wow! But if you tell me the restaurant is there in the first place, I already saw that moment coming and it sucks the fun out of getting there.

Using line breaks, hyphens, all-caps - these are all tiny little mechanical cheats to draw attention where you want it. In the Walt example, above, we put his attention (and yours) on the birds outside. That way the monster will be more surprising. In the Darcy/Cleaver scene, we want your attention on the fight itself. We save the Greek restaurant for the topper.

Now, before some smarty pants Rouge Waver sends me the BRIDGET scene and says SEE- Fielding did it thus and such way which was totally different from your example, let me say in advance, I don't care, I am making a very salient point here and I think we all get that. Or, I hope we do.*

SMASH CUT TO:

*Dear anonymous commenter, stuff it.

BACK TO SCENE:

Look at the rhythm and pacing of your action lines. Make sure you play out your scene in such a way that you are taking the reader by the nose and putting their attention where you want it so that I get maximum fun and entertainment out of not noticing the CREAM PIE about to be heaved into the character's face. Or the guy standing behind the door with an ax. Or the elevator door about to open on a crazy circus clown. Who has a cream pie.

Pacing and rhythm is fundamental to all entertaining writing - whether it's a blog post, short story, novel or script. I do it on the Rouge Wave all the time. Pretty much in every single post. Because otherwise this blog becomes information, information, information, information. And that is dull and you wouldn't come back for more, would you?

Now if you'll excuse me - DING! - huh, what's that? I pause in my blogging, I turn and -

A CRAZY CIRCUS CLOWN HEAVES A CREAM PIE IN MY FACE!

I wipe the cream from my eyes and it's then that I notice -

It's Anonymous Commenter!

Julie: Very funny, dude. Very funny.

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