Action Line Don'ts

Here are three examples of bad action line writing that I came across very recently:

They’ve been friends since high school.

He enjoys impressing people even though he has no connections.

He has a hot temper

Now go with me here, Wavers – remember the basic tenet that action lines do not appear on the screen, yes? Does everybody see what is patently wrong with these examples?

So how does “They’ve been friends since high school” work in an action line? It absolutely does not. Because I can’t see that, you’re just telling me that. You’re going to have to work that fact in to the scene in some other, organic way. How about:

Darleen: I’m so fat! I can’t fit into this dress!
Roberta: Remember that Clamato juice diet we did in the 9th grade?
Darleen: What were we thinking?!

There are so many creative ways to let us know that these two have been friends since high school. This can be indicated in dialogue as above, it might be indicated by possessions, shared memories, or even someone else making a comment. Don't cop out and simply announce to us what this relationship is. It's lazy writing, it doesn't work, it is the mark of an amateur and it will get you a PASS.

How about this one – “He enjoys impressing people even though he has no connections.” Show it don’t say it and certainly do not describe your character as if you are introducing him or her on a gameshow: Dexter loves spotted dogs, flying kites and impressing people, though he has no connections.

No, no and NO. Maybe Dexter compensates by wearing a gold pinky ring. Maybe he has a vast Rolodex on his desk. Only we see that most of the cards are blank. Certainly in his dialogue, he’s going to speak pretentiously. The scene in LA STORY when Steve Martin tries to book a table at an impossibly pretentious French restaurant is a great example of a character trying to impress someone but having absolutely no luck whatsoever.

On the other hand, crafty and skillful writers can say things in action lines like:

Robert sits down on the piano bench. Wishing he were anywhere but here.

Floyd files his nails – can jury selection go any more slowly?

Rachel winds her kite back in. Bored.

Why can you get away with things like this? Because these are sentiments generally accompanied by facial expressions or body language. Can you see Rachel winding her kite back in - bored? How about if she wound her kite back in, frightened? Or annoyed? Well, I can picture those things. But I can't picture the fact that she never gets dates. And Wavers, it is my sad duty to inform you that yes indeed I have read action lines like: Rachel likes to fly kites and never gets dates. Sometimes she overeats when she's lonely. What is the Wave-inatrix disclaimer that comes right around now...? I wish I made this stuff up.

Remember - show it, don't say it. Evidence things, do not list them. Do not introduce your characters as if they are on The Price is Right. You don't have to tell us everything about your character immediately. Take your time. Let your character's quirks, predilections and personal history come out bit by bit, as the scene and situation calls for it. Did we know that Raymond Babbitt had to have fish sticks on Tuesdays and that he bought his underwear at Kmart on the first page we met him? No. We got to know his habits and routines little by little until they build like a drumbeat, driving his brother crazy.

When introducing a character ask yourself:

Is this piece of information or history important to convey here and now? Or might it make an interesting reveal, later?

Is this character evidencing the history or habit or am I just noting it for the reader?

Is this a sentiment or an opinion? Can my character act it out rather than my just saying it?

Which is more economical and clever here, naming the sentiment or acting it out?

and always, always, as a fail safe, read the action line again and ask yourself: what does "he likes to impress people" look like?

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