How to Piss off a Reader...fast

Rouge Wavers, it is probably evident by now that the Wave-inatrix is a good natured creature fond of cocktails and long naps. But once in awhile, there is something that crops up in scripts that sends me into the stratosphere: malapropisms.

Just today, in one script I read:

He takes a leek
The living room boarders the dining room
"You are so sweat!"
He saddles up to her at the bar.

That last one, Rouge Wavers, was when the Wave-inatrix lost it. It's SIDLES! SIDLES!!!!!!

Some of these errors are the result of not proofreading the work carefully. Others are ignorance and laziness. But honestly, it doesn't matter. Once a reader is thoroughly pissed off at the writer, the coverage just cannot be good. Readers try to do no harm and be professional but let's face it, we are people, and most of us are writers. We love writing. And we do it a lot.

Language is to a writer what the scalpel is to the surgeon. This is our instrument. And a writer that does not know how to wield his or her words is demonstrating to the reader a level of hubris that is unbelievable. Writing is not easy. Writing well is a damn miracle. Most of us have worked so hard and for so many years that when we see a dilettante (a person who takes up an art, activity, or subject merely for amusement, esp. in a desultory or superficial way; dabbler.) abuse the privilege it makes our blood boil.

Don't let your script describe you as a desultory, superficial dabbler. We all make mistakes, god knows, and the occasional typo or spelling error is to be expected. God knows I still have to correct my it's and my its. But when these types of errors occur all over your script you have just received the kiss of death from a reader. The black spot. The death knell. Because now we are pissed. And we will punish you in the coverage.

As an aside, and perhaps other readers can chime in, I have never seen a great story, executed well that had more than one or two typos, spelling errors, grammatical oops or malapropisms. Doesn't happen. There seems to be a direct relationship between skill, story and voice.

Other than getting your work proofread and using your spell checker exhaustively how can writers prevent the appearance of malapropisms or grammatical errors? Lynne Truss has written a great book called Eats, Shoots & Leaves which makes a great desk companion, there is also The Little, Brown Handbook which is the Wave-inatrix fave, or good old Strunk & White's Elements of Style.



Being a writer is more than going all Hemingway and drinking white wine with your oysters. It's more than gazing out into the pasture from your attic window while you ponder. It's more than socking down shots of espresso at the local coffee house and staring at a blank screen. There is some skill involved. Some boring skills that nobody wants to deal with. If you want a reader to take you seriously, do your homework.

Nobody cares about the occasional spelling error or comma misuse - but boy do we get pissed when you don't even care enough to try. Writing is not for the faint of heart. But in the same way that you wouldn't expect to become a lawyer because you like to argue, you can't expect to be a writer without having a command of the language. Do try.

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