The Semantics of Real Estate
As writers we use words to paint pictures. Words can evoke emotion, visuals and even sounds. We create entire worlds where once there was a blank page. And we can manipulate with them too.
To wit - the Wave-inatrix has been engaged in a long, grueling search for an apartment in Los Angeles over the past several weeks. We all know what that’s like – landlords asking too much money for too little apartment, decisions about drive time and deposits. Crumpled maps, spilled coffee and cramped, bumpy handwriting in notepads.
But there’s another aspect of apartment hunting; the strange, idiomatic, guiltless lanuage of it. The Wave-inatrix used Craig’s List as well as Westside Rentals (which Angelenos know has a stranglehold on the rental business) and as I perused ads daily then went to look at properties, I found a pronounced difference between the language used to describe said unit – and the unit itself. Semantics. It’s all in the words.
Cozy = Insanely small. Like, seriously, ixnay the ouchcay.
View = Of parking lot and top of palm tree. At night: orange glow of airport
Easy commute! = Next to a freeway onramp
Near Shops and Restaurants! = In retail strip, above a 24 hour Chinese restaurant and mani/pedi shop.
Convenient! = Across the street from gas station and Costco.
Super Convenient! = In the flight path of a major metropolitan airport.
Spacious! = 800 square feet of shag rug; mirrors on closet doors.
Extra bathroom! = A toilet in a room.
Laundry facilities on premises = Detergent-caked, coin-op washer in the basement; one for 12 units.
Parking = Carport in the alley.
Storage = Cupboard with broken door in carport in the alley
Patio = 4 square feet of cement with a dying plant on it.
Private = Huge, cobwebby wooden fence approximately 36 inches from the 4 square-foot patio with the dying plant on it.
Community pool = Deserted kidney-shaped pool which is a suspicious green color
Sunny! = Three dirty windows overlooking alley all tenants use as driveway.
Quiet Street = peppered with abandoned shopping carts and a homeless guy
Super Quiet! = Other tenants are senior citizens; odd smells in hall.
Pets considered = If it weighs less than 16 ounces and has been declawed and had vocal cords removed. Also does not poop. Ever. Also this means at least $500 more in deposit fees.
Laundry hookups = But you have to buy the washer/dryer – suckah!
AVAILABLE NOW = This unit, next to the offramp, over the Chinese restaurant, has been empty for three months running.
MOVE IN SPECIAL = For the love of god please rent this dump.
Happily, the Wave-inatrix finally found a charming new place to call home. And it isn't CONVENIENT, SPACIOUS, SUNNY or SUPER QUIET. It's juuuuust right.
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3 comments:
Oh yeah, I just had the pleasure of doing the same. My favorites this time 'round were the in-house "apartment" units where the resident basically needs extra cash and someone to shovel their sidewalk.
Obviously not in LA, no. I lived in Boston and now live 90 mins north of NYC. Wonder if the writing market is more/less/different from this perspective... but the apartment is more affordable!
Pretty funny. Had you not found one I would have directed you to rent.com.
They even pay you $100 for using them.
I know you can knock it out with writing, but what a great set
of scene descriptions. It was like every apartment was in its
own neighborhood, a different demographic.
Seriously, it was like watching scenes from Repo Man, Pulp Fiction,
To Live And Die In LA and more
A quiet street peppered with abandoned shopping
carts and a homeless guy - got it we're west of the 405
that iffy area around Venice. On the kidney-shaped pool with suspicious green color -
Someone told me they once had to live in a weekly motel-apartment where there
was a pool covered in green slime. One day a city inspector came by and told
the manager. "That's a mosquito health hazard, drain it or you'll be cited".
So the manager drained the pool, and at the bottom,
they found a body.
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